Doubts

Self-evaluation. I think overall I was a much better person in high school. What have I learned since I came to college? how to make do with little effort and spend large amounts of time playing. I used to think deeply on things; I used to ponder and write poetry and dream about love and valour and hope and dreams.

Now I'm skeptical and uncreative.

I feel like I'm growing down; growing younger in emotional and mental maturity. I don't feel like I have potential for anything great. Moderately mediocre. I'll graduate from BYU, try and get into grad school, teach Japanese to high school kids. Own a small two-bedroom house or condo. I'll come home to a dog and slobber on my face. I'll make dinner and eat alone, do lessons plans and spend the rest of my spare time sewing and crocheting and doing other crafty things with my hands. Every so often I'll have married friends over for dinner. I'll be an aunt. I'll be the crazy old lady who sits on her porch and crochets all day, inviting the neighborhood kids in for cookies and milk. I'll get arthritis when I'm 62 and lose the ability to crochet. I'll have gone through several dogs by now, and my newest one will have died. And I'll go to sleep alone.

Somehow, I will force myself to smile. I will make myself be happy. because that's what I am-- "The happy one."